As horror fans always know, and usually love to accept, there are some really terrible horror movies out there. There are of course those A list scares that get all of us nice and terrified, but what about the ones that tend to have some pretty terrible storylines and almost comical plots? Lots of these types of horror movies don’t always get enough attention and are often overlooked. I personally am a HUGE fan of everything horror so this list that lies before you will hopefully shine a light onto some movies you’ve never heard of, love to hate, or watch over and over again like myself!
1. Dracula 2000:
This movie has everything! Young hot ass Gerald Butler - as a vampire! - a cameo from Vitamin C (we still don’t fully know why), random British actors, and of course an old ass version of Van Helsing that could not possibly do anything of note but somehow does! The erotic scenes are awkward and there are hardly any titties, which should NOT be the case for a vampire film, and it really just makes no sense since the plot falls right apart within the first 30 minutes. This masterpiece in theater begins with thieves breaking into Van Helsing’s private vault and stealing a silver coffin because they assume it's filled with riches, spoiler alert it’s not and honestly is it ever? Once Dracula is out he goes on a killing spree of literally every woman in his path. Oh and Van Helsing is the OG Van Helsing and has been injecting himself with Dracula blood for hundreds of years which is kind of a huge plot twist in the fables of Dracula. Dracula is also drawn to our main lady Mary who is Van Helsing’s daughter, also not in any original story we have really heard throughout the years, but she was conceived once he started the injections so she has a tie to Dracula as well, cool! None of this really flies or is coherent throughout the film until I guess the end where Mary is a badass and defeats Dracula because she again has that sweet Dracula blood in her veins. Do I love to watch it, YES. Do I also hate myself after I watch it, also yes. Was this film called Dracula 2000 only because it came out in the year 2000? Was "Dracula" only copywritten so hard you had to add 2000 to this movie title? Either way, that's dumb too.
2. Queen of the Damned:
Aside from the new metal everywhere that will make your ears bleed (even though I was totally the person this movie targeted when it came out, shopping at Hot Topic constantly and was dating my first husband who was in an AWFUL local metal band) it's still never a good time. While I do love both Stewart Townsend and Aaliyah and their acting isn’t awful, it's also pretty poop. A vampire that comes into the public eye after thousands of years, ok fine. A hot vampire queen that chooses him out of literally any vampire in the world, ok I guess also fine. Trying to tie in a secret society of mortals, who one just HAPPENS to share some ancient ties to a tribe of vampires that are sworn to make sure Akasha never takes power, you lost me here. Why even include this side plot? There is nothing but cringy dialog everywhere and the ending is even dumber. I mean is Jessie and Lestat a couple now then, does David get drained? No clues and I hate it.
3. Urban Legend:
One statement alone will make you hate this film, DOG IN THE MICROWAVE. Please stop killing innocent animals in films, not cool any director ever! While Rebecca Gayheart is a perfect psychopath, the main chick Natalie just deflates everyone else in this cast and is honestly annoying throughout most of the film. YES I know this movie technically was released in 1998, DON”T COME FOR ME, but when you think of this movie can we all agree it gets lumped into the 2000s in our minds right? I mean ‘98, its close enough. A killer that kills based on urban legends I can totally get behind and slightly original. However, centering this around one person who did someone else wrong just makes this a revenge killing movie at the end and that makes me yawn. This is one of my guilty pleasure films though and with a cameo from one of the godfathers of horror himself, Robert England, it's not a bad watch.
4. Open Graves:
This movie had some amazing actors in it and should have been way better than it was. With the premise of murdering teens surrounding a board game, yes you read that correctly, this movie quickly becomes super comical and not in the least scary. After finding the game and meeting a mystery girl, Jason thinks this game they bought from a rando and creepy shop owner would be fun to take for a spin. The kills are unoriginal once they start dropping like flies almost immediately and pretty soon the only thing making you continue with this film is the blatant fact that Eliza Dushku is the witch that originally made the game and you wanna see her win. I love that the board game is made out of skin and organs of said cursed witch, but this hardly matters as there is almost zero gore in this movie. Also, all the blue tinting for the film that was of course popular at this time, literally makes the actors look like they have blue skin, LOL.
5. Cursed:
This one had my hopes up because I literally LOVE anything Christina Ricci touches buttttttt this falls so short. After Christina and her brother, Jesse Eisenberg himself, are in a car accident caused by a werewolf and they’re bitten, the story just falls apart from there. Ellie is immediately drawn to blood and almost eats a coworker, which would have been hilarious. She soon thinks her boyfriend (wait, is he her boyfriend?) Joshua Jackson is the werewolf and tries to kill him to regain her mortality. Plot twist! it's her bitch boss Joanie (played by the amazing Judy Greer) who always makes me laugh so hard I can’t take her seriously as a horror villain. No wait, it IS her boyfriend who is the actual werewolf and Ellie has to kill him to survive at the end. This ending by the way is no more than 10 minutes of the film which is super rushed and could have been much better. It’s a really laughable good time though so if you’re ready for that kind of a “horror” film this one will check that box over and over again. I don’t hate the transformations of the werewolves themselves either but that didn’t save this stupid love story between Ellie and Jake slammed in there for no reason since they have zero chemistry on screen. I love Wes Craven but this is not my fave in his collection.
6. The Covenant:
This should have been really good based on the fact that this director was one of the few directors that directed my absolute favorite awful shark horror movie, DEEP BLUE SEA! But it was not, whomp whomp. This movie came at a time where witches were cool again and of course we need some boy witches because, why not? Women have enough right? The terrible CGI will make you blink a few times to get your eyes back to focus but the chemistry between the two main actors, Caleb and Sarah, was actually decent for them being in their mid 20’s playing 17-year-olds. The story is Caleb and his friends are a part of an ancient society of male witches that essentially keep this school going I think? I think that’s part of the plot as they live at the school and like 90% of the story occurs there. The bad witch in the movie torturing everyone is apparent from the moment you meet him and these boy witches are called the sons of Ipswitch! I mean COME ON it dosen’t get more cheese than that!
7. Mirrors (2008):
This movie will give you so much anxiety that people would bleed out due to the sheer amount of broken glass that had to be all over this movie set. The directors of this movie also forgot to tell Keifer Sutherland that this is NOT a cop movie but he plays that part decently well. After he believes in the supernatural stuff that is happening to him, well actually his sister rips her own jaw off and THEN he believes it, he tries with all his cop mentality might to rid his family of this curse. Not the best plot for a horror movie, but the things that come out the mirrors and literally snatch anyone (kids included) is a pretty terrifying premise since they look exactly like you at first. I hate the ending since it makes you think there is a happy ending and there is not, I mean he’s now stuck in what mirror land? I do love the kid actors in this film though, they’re creepy as hell, including the late Cameron Boyce as roughly a 6 year old who was phenomenal.
8. What Lies Beneath:
Again, a HUGE guilty pleasure film for me (I actually just watched it for like the 20th time the other day) but this film is BADDDDDD. This movie is so slowwww you almost could watch it to go to sleep. The awkward sex scenes between Michelle Pfeiffer and Harrison Ford is enough to make your stomach flip but the premise of this film that is meant to be scary is a tale as old a time. Old white guy fucks pretty young student, she catches feelings and gets angry when SURPRISE he won’t leave his wife, then he kills her (duh) and she haunts them both until the wife figures out he is a murder (GASP)! That’s it, that is this movie. The effects of the dead girl aren’t awful though and there is a semi-happy ending.
9. Dead Silence:
This is only on here because I am personally terrified of dolls, and I think any horror film that exploits that fear sucks. It’s decently scary but the writing for this script was pure hot garbage. A woman who made dolls in a small town gets murdered because you THINK she killed a boy in town and made him a doll. How many times are we going to see this? Hillbilly towns folk kill the weird person in town and that person comes back from the dead to kill everyone. People, please stop writing movies with this premise we never like it, even when in this case she did kill kids. Plenty of jump scares since this is a James Wan film. However, there is nothing about this film that is acted well except for that old dude who is really dead but is actually a puppet being operated by his young hot ass wife. I mean he’s a human puppet, get it?!
10. House of Wax:
Aside from Paris Hilton (who by far CANNOT act to save her life) attached to this purely to attempt to get some big box office numbers, this film is dreadful. No one would ever stick around in this weird abandoned down while their car was worked on, where the fuck are actual wax museums in the United States, and who the hell thought a killer who stabs teens THEN puts molten wax around them was plausible? Teens never learn to leave abandoned towns or never come to them in the first place and after these teens are on their way to a football game get stranded, they learn that the hard way, AGAIN. I guess directors know this is how they can single out characters to be eventually killed but this movie is so improbable with the sequences you never really understand why this was even produced. 10 out of 10 would not recommend watching this unless you want to see all the horrid wigs they made every other young lady wear except Paris Hilton. You could even make a fun drinking game out of spotting them! If you are going to do a drinking game with this movie, also drink every time you see the main character Wade, or wait Dalton, or was it Blake (it dosen’t matter they all look and act the same) get mad about missing this football game.
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