How to Transform Your Murder House into a Murder Home
So you’re a landowner — congratulations! We’re sure you’ve found the home of your dreams. Of course, with how bonkers the housing market has been over the last few years, you may have found yourself making concessions and looking the other way. If you’ve found yourself in any of these situations — secret torture room under your suburban bungalo, blood-stained shower in your half-bath, victims buried in your spacious backyard, and more! — we have simple home decor updates anyone can do. With a little bit of elbow grease, a Pinterest account, a DIY sensibility, and probably a lot of sage, you can turn any murder house into a murder home.
Blood on the Walls: Blood splatter refusing to come out of the living room wall? Turn it into a feature wall! While the neighbors may draw the eye with a different color on one wall or a bit of wallpaper, no one will be able to look away from your focal wall that will look expertly done with real-life blood spatter. Place a display table or free-hanging shelves against the wall without covering the platter and line with your favorite trinkets, pictures, or bloody machete for extra detail. This would also be a great place to hang your Home Sweet Home cottagecore rustic sign if your name is Katie/Katy/Kadie/Cady -- you know you're looking for the perfect spot to hang your collection.
Body Stain on the Floor: Did the previous owner leave their victims to decompose on the floor, and now you’re having a difficult time scrubbing away the stain? Use the outline to determine how the layout of the room will go. Place an area rug (we suggest at least 6’ by 8’ if you want to completely cover the stain; if the victim was particularly large, you may want to go with a bigger rug, however) over the stain and arrange your sofas and coffee table or dining room table in that area. You may find it gives you a different layout than you would normally use, but it’ll bring a quirkiness to the room!
Terrifyingly Dark and Dingy Basement You’re Pretty Certain was Used as a Tortue Room: The most underutilized area of a house is often the tortue-esque basement right below your feet, but that shouldn’t discourage you from expanding your usable square footage! Like the previous owners before, use this space for a new hobby! Into wine? Nothing is better for a wine collection than a cold, damp and dark basement. Plus, because wine comes in impenetrable glass bottles, it won’t go bad even when covered in the dripping sludge you can’t seem to stop coming from the pipes above. Not a big drinker? A light-less basement is perfect for learning to develop film. Or cultivate rooted flora like tulips. Or learn to navigate in the darkness to prepare for when you’re eventually chased into the forest by a mass murderer in the middle of the night.
Dangling Chains: Whether they’re attached to a radiator in a bedroom or hanging as meat hooks in the kitchen, chains can be a great bit of industrial-chic decor! Add flourishes like ribbon or paint them interesting colors, or leave as-is! Your friends and family won’t be able to keep from asking “What the F**k?!”
Shallow Graves in the Backyard: Shallow graves in the backyard? Lucky you! Decomposing bodies are teeming with microbes and other nutrients that can lead to happy and healthy plants! Use the piles of dirt as a garden mound and plant directly into it. In no time, you’re bound to have a plentiful garden.
Blood-Stained Shower or Tub: Dealing with a pesky blood ring in the shower or bath that just won’t come out? Here’s a little-known secret interior designers don’t want you to know: it’s easy to paint porcelain, acrylic, fiberglass, or even tile! Choose a color that will adequately cover the blood ring — or use multiple layers of paint if you want to go lighter — and get painting!
Demonic Framed Painting That Won’t Come off the Wall: It’s never fun to have to design around the previous homeowners aesthetic, but if you find yourself unable to remove what is evidently a demonic picture from the wall, turn those lemons into lemonade with a gallery wall! Frame some of your own photos and hang them on the wall around the picture, radiating from the demonic painting outwards. If you’re into a more quirky look, use different types and styles of frames, and include things like mounted animal heads and ghost-scaring mirrors within the layout.