5 Final Girls I'd Love to *Love* (Winky Blinky)
Okay so I don’t mean to sound like a stereotype, but strong angry women who are definitely smarter than me are my kryptonite… Which, mostly includes any woman ever. But FICTIONAL women? Women who, by the end of a movie are beaten and bloody and, yes, traumatized, but standing over their attackers with a glint of triumph in their eyes - those women could step on me and I would thank them? Those women especially are the type of characters that you just can’t help but imagine them towering over you, breathing heavily, and doing unspeakable things. Be honest with yourself, we’ve all thought about it!
“But Kai,” I’m sure you’re saying to yourself, cheeks red with embarrassment. “There are just so many! How could I possibly choose just one?” Simply put, you don’t. But if you’re me, you make a list of the top five (in no particular order) that could hurt you and you would be happy with it.
5: Sidney Prescott - Scream Franchise
I am, at the core of my being, obviously a slut for damaged and dangerous women. But when a woman who is still in the midst of her grief over losing a parent manages to step up to the plate when the stakes are high? Oh boy, am I in trouble. Once Sidney Prescott realizes the rules of the game (and then proceeds to break them), she transforms from a meek young woman who is only trying to survive the sudden string of murders into a super–badass who controls the narrative and rewrites the rules not only for herself but for every Final Girl to come.
4: Erin - You’re Next
Speaking of badass women who step up to the plate, no real list like this would be complete without Erin, the sole survivor of a not-so-random “random” attack on her boyfriend’s familial home. This woman is the double definition of “a one-man killing machine” and also “an absolute unit” who single-handedly defends herself from three trained ex-military men and two civilians without even one hysterical breakdown. If we get to pick our companions in the apocalypse, I for sure want her on my team despite the fact that I would only slow her down for sure.
3: Laurie Strode - Halloween Franchise
Although the Carpenter franchise has taken a bit of a timeline detour in recent years, Laurie Strode remains as one of the most memorable Final Girls in horror movie history. With the impending arrival of Halloween Ends in just a few weeks, lets just take a moment to appreciate the evolution of Laurie Strode from innocent teenage babysitter to ass-kicking grandma with more shotguns than I have brain cells - even as a grandma, Laurie Strode can call me pet names any day of the week.
2: Ellen Ripley - Alien Franchise
Let us all be honest with ourselves: we’d all pay literal money just for Sigourney Weaver to flick us on the tip of our noses. But Ellen Ripley? We’d pay double just for her to do the same thing. From the beginning of the franchise to her last appearance, Ripley has always obviously been the smartest person in the room, and she’s never been afraid to let anyone know it - even though “action” movies at the time usually had a male protagonist who would survive until the end. Combating gender norms and sacrificing herself to stop the Xenomorphs, that’s my final girl.
1: Maddie Young - Hush
Okay so I know that Maddie isn’t typically the character that comes to mind when someone asks about “Final Girls”, but we’ve all got to be honest with ourselves, this Netflix Original heroine deserves a brighter spotlight in the world of horror. Despite her disadvantage in the cat and mouse game because of her deafness, Maddie rises to the challenge almost immediately and uses her wit, cunning, and environment to outsmart and subdue the killer single-handedly (only at the expense of two of her friends/neighbors).